How To NOT Grow Apart From Your Spouse!

As a pastor the #1 reason for divorce when I counsel couples has become increasingly prevalent. The couple simple started to grow apart from each other. Many times this happens slowly over years. Other times the relationship is volatile from the get go and to "keep the peace" they simple grow apart so as not to deal with the issues. Eventually they grow so far apart as a couple that they just give up and move on from their marriage. 

Marriage is a gift YET it is hard work. As a husband the hardest person to lead in the world is my wife. The reason behind that is because my wife knows everything about me sooner and in a deeper way than anyone else. If I am not leading myself then she'll think of me as selfish or hypocritical and won't respond to my leading. (If your not growing as a person don't expect your spouse to grow with you or closer to you as well). 

Here are the top 5 things a couple should do to not grow apart from their spouse!

1) Chase Jesus! Two people chasing hard after Jesus will naturally come closer to each other. It is an inevitability. If you both are trying to reach your lost neighbors the fact that you are on mission together will bring you closer together. If you pray together before meals or before going to bed at night you will be closer to each other. I have never met a couple who BOTH were chasing hard after Jesus and who grew apart in their marriage! 

2) Have a joint checking account! Money shows where our heart is at. If I look through your checking account in very little time I can tell you what you care about because it's what you spend your money on. If you truly want to grow together and are ONE then your finances need to reflect that as well. (It's perfectly ok to have separate accounts within your joint checking account where each couple has a smaller personal fund that they can spend on fun items for themselves but this needs to be talked upon and agreed upon together). Too many couples have strings attached or are guarded when it comes to their finances with each other. This provides tension within the relationship because it reflects distrust within the relationship and makes it harder for you to grow as a couple. Trust me, a joint checking account is a must. 

3) Spend time together! You don't need to spend every waking minute together and so suffocate your relationship BUT you should spend more time with your spouse, in general, then with any other person in the world! (There are various circumstances that this is not possible - military, work limitations, overseas schooling, etc., but you get my drift). A couple has to have enough in common that they can do fun recreational things together. If you don't have common recreational interests as a couple then sacrifice and do something that your spouse enjoys even if you don't enjoy it. You will have a good time because your spouse is having a good time. 

4) Talk about the future! Cars every now and then need to get a realignment because parts start moving away from each other. Couples need realignments too to make sure you are moving together in every aspect. The best money you will ever spend is in getting marital counseling even just to align yourselves better for the future. You can't afford to not be aligned together as a couple!

5) Serve each other! Part of growing apart from each other is that we selfishly want to do what we want to do. If you try and do simple things for your spouse and serve them it will naturally grow you closer together. Selfish couples grow apart while selfless couples come together! 

The Top 5 Time Wasters!

Wouldn't it be nice to get back an extra 1-3 hours of your day! Chances are if you make some slight adjustments to what you prioritize you can get some of your time back. Here is what I've found to be the Top 5 Time Wasters (in order).

1) Social Media - The average American spends 118 minutes (almost two hours) on social media alone. If you include YouTube and your favorite website, for me it's ESPN, you have literally "wasted" hours of your day. Here are just some suggestions that might help you when it comes to limiting your social media time.
- Don't check social media at all when you get home from work. Place your phone in an area where you can't get to it easily. Spend time with your family, not on your phone.
- Chart the amount of time you spend on social media. You'll probably get nauseous.
- Purge social media from your life all together for a time. Trust me, you'll still survive.

2) TV/Video Games - The average American adult watches a little over 5 hours of television a day! Most of this comes from Live TV (not DVR). There's very little that is shown on TV that can't be watched later via DVR. If you watch insurmountable amounts of TV let's call you what you are: lazy. While some TV and video games are ok for relaxation if you want to get part of your day back simply stay active and watch less TV.

3) Unnecessary Meetings - 42% of working Americans consider the meetings they go to for work as counterproductive. Meetings for the sake of meetings will kill an organization and a family for that matter. Very few things that come up are truly emergencies. For smaller issues tell your staff or family members that it can wait until a designated meeting time. 

4) Shopping - Let's be honest, lots of people shop online. It's very easy to browse and before you know it you're buying a purse or maybe a fishing pole when all you wanted to do was to complete your grocery order and buy some cantaloupe. Even if you have great control simply browsing over things with no intention of buying can be considered time wasting.

5. Grooming - Listen, taking care of your body is good and is a necessity. Spending hours on how you look can be a huge time waster. If you spend too much time grooming yourself you're vain. Cleanliness is good. Self centeredness is a bigger turnoff than being unkempt.

So there you have it, the top 5 Time Wasters! Do you agree? Did I miss any that should sneak into the top 5? What are your thoughts!

Why Having More Money Won't Solve Your Problems!

One of the biggest misconceptions in our world today is that having MORE money will enable you to DO more with your life. If I've figured anything out in life it's that having more money actually complicates decision making. Just having more money won't equate to doing more or to more happiness. 

Before sharing with you how having more money won't necessarily enable you to do more or to be more happy I need to share a disclaimer. Making more money opens up the possibility for you to do more with your life but it doesn't necessitate the fact that this will happen. Also, there is nothing wrong with making more money or having ambitious financial goals. This is wise and smart. Just don't think that once you become a millionaire you'll feel fulfilled and that all of your problems will vanish. 

What's more important then cash for people is in building better relationships! It's not about what you OWN but about who you KNOW! Money won't solve your problems even if you do more or own more stuff. Here are just a few areas where having more money won't solve your problems. 

Relationships - While having money helps you do more with people a greater currency in relationship building is time. The more time you spend with people the deeper and greater your relationships will be. If you have relationship issues with someone, just throwing money at your problems with them won't solve anything. 

Churches - Many leaders and pastors believe that if they could just increase giving then that would solve all of their church's problems. While money is a necessity for keeping a church's doors open it won't solve all of your problems. As a church planter I've had to learn how to be creative and frugal in developing methods and means that are cost effective in reaching people. Reliance and dependence upon the Holy Spirit should be a church's purpose and mission, not in increasing it's giving. 

Life Bucket List - While money may help you check off some items on your bucket list it won't solve all of your problems. I've found that the greatest personal accomplishments should be measured by achievement, perseverance, and grit and not simply based on the fact that you could afford to do something.

Happiness - Money does not equate to happiness. Accumulating wealth does not equate to happiness. We all inherently know this and yet we fall into the trap. How many people do you know who have traded in for a new car or built a new home to solve their happiness issues and it left them feeling emptier still? Money will never solve your happiness issues. 

I'm just curious, what did you think about this post? Agree or disagree? Feel free to leave your comments!

Why you are in DEEP TROUBLE unless you have THIS.......

You are in deep trouble unless you have FRIENDS! When I say friends, I mean true and loyal friends. At the end of the day having true friends could make or break you. Here's why:

1) Research states that YOU are the average of your FIVE closest friends! Your friends influence every area of your life. You are the average of your friends financially, physically, morally, and spiritually. For example, if your friends are pursuing Jesus you most likely are pursuing Jesus. If your friends are partying every weekend you most likely are partying every weekend. You are the average of your five closest friends!

2) There are very few TRUE and good friends! Research states that the average American can only name two close friends. 25% of Americans say they have ZERO friends! Our world is full of flaky friends. It's hard and very difficult to find people who will stick by you.

3) Without friends you are just one tragedy away from disaster! Every person will go through a difficult season in their life. Without friends many people fall into despair and hopelessness. True friends will help pick you up.

Proverbs 18:24 - "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."

4) The only way to connect deeply with others is if you walk with them through their pain! There is a deep connection and bond that is forged when we walk with others and are present in their pain and sufferings. Simply put, we impress others through our strengths but we connect with them through our weaknesses. If you want true community then you need to be vulnerable with your friends.

 

5) Friends will sacrifice for your behalf! A true friend won't keep tabs or bill you later. They will sacrifice time, energy, and effort because they love and care for you. If you want to go far in life do it with friends. It may be messier, BUT you'll work together as a team and sacrifice for the good of each other.

I believe this with all of my heart, all of us are one friend away from changing our destiny! One friend could be the difference between hope and despair. One friend could be the difference between community and isolation. One friend could be the difference between heartfelt counsel and vindictive indictments when we do wrong. One friend could change your destiny!

Therefore, if you want a friend BE a friend! Be a person who is loyal, faithful, and is present when others are struggling. You can only attract a loyal friend if you are a friend first!

What Little Girls Do To Their Daddy's!

Having a child is a life changing experience. Having a girl as a Cosentino is just plain radical. My family has a strong tradition of having boys with the occasional girl sprinkled in. I just assumed our family was going to be more boy dominated and when I found out that my wife was pregnant with a girl I knew that this would shape and change my thinking in a strong and dynamic way. God has used my daughter Charis to help me see my family and the world around me differently. Here's how:

1) Protective - Having a girl makes you more protective as a father IN ALL AREAS that deal with abuse towards girls and women. I feel more passionately and pray more fervently for sexual slavery and for women's abuse issues. There are so many helpless and hopeless girls and women who so desperately need a father or a man to come to their rescue. If the world was full of father's who were protective of their daughters then the slavery and sex industry would come to a screeching halt!

2) Responsible - Having a girl makes me a more responsible man. I am charged with modelling for my daughter what a Godly husband and a father look like. In fact, her image and view of God will be shaped directly with how I treat, discipline, and care for her. 

3) Inquisitive - As a man I am in awe and wonderment at what a little girl's brain thinks and how it operates. I don't fully understand how a little girl can be jumping and rough housing around one minute and then modelling clothes and playing with her dolls the next. God has created women to act and respond in a unique and special way and I get to see this unfold and develop before me from the ground up with my daughter. 

4) Forward Thinking - I think more about the vision and future of our family having a daughter. While our society and culture has become more inclusive and open towards a woman's role in the workplace and home I need to be a visionary. In thinking about the future I will be able to see the roadblocks she will face down the road  to conform within the norms and pressures of society. I've been more apt to think about how God has wired her, what barriers she will face growing up, and how I can help her overcome those barriers!

Is there anything else? How has having a daughter changed you?!?

How To Adopt A Giving Mentality!

Think of the person that you admire the MOST in life. My guess is that they are one of the most generous people that you know. Giving is naturally linked with personal satisfaction. When we as humans are self-indulgent we will eventually feel guilty, depressed, and worthless. BUT when we give of our time, talents, and resources to others we feel as though we have made a difference in our world. Simply put, giving helps us to find purpose above and beyond ourselves. 

Ecclesiastes 5:10 - Those who love money will NEVER have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness!

The question then arises: How can we adopt a giving mentality?

1) See giving as a "test" of what is in your heart! Jesus states that "wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be (Matthew 6:21)." Simply put, what you spend your money on shows what you care about in life! If someone would do an audit of your personal checking account it would become very obvious to them what you care about. If you care about others and truly want to find satisfaction in life you will give of your time, talent, and resources. If you are a Christian, giving shows that you truly believe in the promises of God that He will bless faithful givers. 

2) Give REGULARLY! The only way to adopt a giving mentality is to give regularly. Giving should become a habit. Habits become the fibers of our character or the very essence of our beings. Get in the habit of giving a regular percentage of your salary to church or other non for profit causes. Get in the habit of picking up the tab when you go out to lunch with someone. Get in the habit of going through your cell-phone and calling people who come to your attention who need help. The most generous people are so because they've been doing it regularly for awhile and have made giving a habit. 

3) SERVE! Serving and volunteering is simply another outward expression of giving. As a pastor the most important aspect to assimilate and help people become connected members of the local church is to get them to serve. When you serve you have ownership of a particular ministry or area. When you have ownership you have "skin in the game" and will really care about what you are investing time, energy, and resources towards. It's easy to write a check, but are you willing to roll up your sleeves too?

4) If you feel compelled to Give then GIVE! Many times God prompts our heart to give toward a cause or we feel like we need to give YET we rationalize why we shouldn't give. We move that prompting to the back of our mind and quickly forget about it. In general, a person has 10 seconds to act on a prompting or they never will. People who are generous not only give regularly but they give to needs that God brings across their radar and that tugs at their heart too!

I'm curious, what are some other ways in which YOU have seen in others or you are personally trying to adopt to help you become a more generous person?

How to determine your CALLING in life!

A person's calling is one of the least talked about and self reflected parts of our being. When I use the word "calling" I am referring to God's primary purpose and direction for one's life. A calling pushes you to give up short term satisfaction for long term gain. A calling helps determine everything in our lives!

For example, God has called me to be a husband and a father. There are many trying and difficult days when I don't feel like being a husband and a father. There are many days when my wife doesn't feel like being a wife or a mother. Why do we continue on? Because we are called by God to persevere in our marriage and with our family. We give up the short term satisfaction of quitting and moving on for the long term health and growth of each other and our family. 

I believe this with all of my heart; The greatest calling you need to answer in life is whether or not you'll accept Jesus as Savior! If you answer the call of God on  your heart then your entire life and perspective will change. 

I believe God has created every person to a unique calling and purpose in life. The question is: What is God calling YOU to do and to become? How can you determine the call of God in your life?

The answer: Pain. God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad for our greatest calling! Part of the reason we all have struggles in life is because God is using those struggles to perfect us and to refine our calling. Our pain can be someone else's gain! 

Think to yourself: In what areas have you experienced the most pain, grief, depression, or hurt? I know that God is calling you to use that for good. When we are weak then we are strong (because we have to rely upon God). When we are at our lowest God speaks to us the loudest. When we are unsure of our future God is calling us to persevere toward a brighter future. 

My guess is that you have something that God has laid upon your heart that you now feel called to do. Here's my advice: Stop talking yourself out of what God has called you to do! It's easy to rationalize or to let fear win the day. Don't play it safe. You my have failures in answering this call. Yet, just the satisfaction of knowing that you are doing God's will should be enough for you. Very few answer the call. Will you?